I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
