Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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