i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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