By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
