Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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