Where is the hickey?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
