Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
