one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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