When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
