the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
