How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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