Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
