The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I am available for nakedness
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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