dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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