Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you inspire me to be a worse person
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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