Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
