i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
