I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
