Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
