they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
