I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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