When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
