DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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