i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
