im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I understand Curling. That high.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This baby is an asshole
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
