So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
