so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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