I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
