I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
