Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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