i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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