I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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