Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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