I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
