Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize