I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
