We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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