am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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