is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
