if i can run in heels then i can drive
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
