You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
