Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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