Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
