I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
