I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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