At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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