Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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