If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
