oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
