im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
