Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
