Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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