i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
