everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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