i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
