I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
