Are we in a gay sports bar?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
