dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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