toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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