my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
