If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
