Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
